—Fragments from My Diary ——节录日记中的断片Xie Bingying ◎ 谢冰莹September 7，1926，2:00 pm一九二六年九月七日下午二时I'm being too hard on myself！

I'm suffering a self-inflicted torment！

How come his is the only image rising in my mind？

It seems that I see nothing but his smile and hear nothing but his voice．I take the sender of any letter I receive for him and then read it over again and again．I'm completely preoccupied with thoughts of him．Oh，my！

I'm not in a mood to do anything，nor am I able to．Whether in class or at table，walking or sitting，asleep or awake，I can never banish him from my mind．I fail to concentrate when I listen to a talk or read a book．In short，I just sit about thinking of him.

我真太自苦了，太自寻烦恼了！

脑海中为什么只有他的影子呢？

眼睛所看到的，好像尽是他的笑容；耳中所听到的，好像尽是他的声音。

别人写来的信，也当做是他的，看了一遍又是一遍，整个的心完全被他占有了！

唉，这怎么好呢？

我一点事也不想做，而且也不能做；我无论在上课，吃饭，行坐，睡眠的时候，总是想着他。

听讲，一句也听不进；看书，一个字也看不懂；总之，什么事都不能做，除了静坐着想他而外。

September 15，1926，evening同年九月十五夜I really don't know what love is and what it is made up of.

我真不知道，爱”是什么东西，它是什么组织成的？

I don't know what love is like，except parental love．I don't know whether it tastes bitter or sweet，sour or pungent．But I know I've developed a very mysterious and deep feeling for him．Isn't that feeling named love？

我没有尝过爱的滋味——除了父母之爱——不知爱的味道是苦，是甜，是酸还是辣？

我只知道对他发生了一种很神秘很深刻的情感，难道这种情感就是爱吗？

During my first encounter with him，the moment we had an eye contact，he instantly sowed a seed of love in my heart and magnetically attracted my heart and soul．From then on，I began to have a soft spot in my heart for the opposite sex.

在我第一次和他见面的时候，他的视线和我的视线互相接触的一刹那，他便撒下了爱的种子在我的心田；同时像磁吸引铁似的，把我的心和灵魂，都吸进他的心内去了。

从这时起，我开始对于异性发生了情感。

Formerly，I was so naïve as to run away from my schoolmates with a loudBah！

”whenever they chatted about the question of love.

以前，我真是个天真烂漫的孩子，每逢同学们谈到恋爱问题的时候，我便呸”的一声跑开了。

They called me simple-minded，but I would rather be always like this．Now I'm experiencing a nameless agony．Oh，my goodness！

I really don't know why！

她们都说我是个未谙世故的小孩，我希望我永远不谙世故；然而现在有一种不知名的痛苦居然降临到我身上来了，天呵，这是怎么一回事呢？

I can't explain psychologically why I love him and yet completely keep him in the dark about it．I want to keep it secret forever and ever．What a mysterious and inconceivable behaviour！

我不知道这是一种什么心理，爱他而绝不让他知道。

我要保守着秘密，一直到永远！

不使对方知道自己在热烈地爱着他，这是多么神秘而不可思议的心理呀！

Pain，pain，I welcome you．I'll never shy away from you．Life will be insignificant without pain.

痛苦，痛苦，我欢迎你，绝不躲避你，人生只有在痛苦的时候才有意义！

Kuriyagawa Hakuson[1] says aptly，Anguish and tears make love worthwhile．Marriage is the grave of love.

”厨川白村说得好：恋爱在痛苦与流泪的时候，才有价值；等到结婚，便成为恋爱的坟墓了。

”Damn it，why should I quote him？

An innocent and artless girl like me shouldn't get a foretaste of bitter love.

该死，我为什么要引他的话呢？

一个天真纯洁的女孩子，不应该尝到爱的苦味的。

When for the first time in my life my mind was haunted by the image of a member of the other sex，I was so much distressed that I felt like committing suicide．I couldn't understand why the image of the smiling young man kept appearing before my mind's eye，so that I couldn't concentrate on my studies and could no longer live a happy life free from anxieties and cares．I hated him．And I also hated my third brother who had introduced him to me．I tried to destroy the image，but in vain．Often in the depth of night，on waking up from a dreadful nightmare，I would thump my head with my fist and curse：—You good-for-nothing，go to hell！

Why should the unsullied mind of a young girl be haunted by a member of the opposite sex？

O what a misfortune！

The image，like a whirlwind，will sweep away your future，and，like a beast of prey，will devour your life．Ah，you're in great danger！

It is，however，never too late to mend your way．You'll be done for unless you become awakened to the danger facing you.

当我生平第一次遇到有一个异性的影子，闯进我的脑海里来时，简直痛苦得想要自杀！

我不懂那个微笑着的青年的影子，为什么老是站在我的眼前，使我不能静心读书，不能无忧无虑，过着快乐甜美的生活，我恨他，也恨介绍我和他认识的三哥，我想毁灭他的影子，然而不可能；我常在半夜三更，从凄凉可怕的梦境里惊醒来时，就用力捶着自己的脑袋骂着：——你这无用的东西，赶快去死掉吧！

高洁的少女心里，为什么要藏着一个异性的影子呢？

那是多么不幸的事呀！

你的前途，将要被那个影子，像旋风似的卷去了，你的生命，将要被那个影子，像猛兽似的吞没了，多么危险呀！

苦海茫茫，回头是岸；再不觉悟，你的一生就这样完了！

Much as emotion was condemned by reason，the former，nevertheless，got the upper hand．Instead of disappearing，the image of the young man became with each passing day even more vigorous in my mind's eye.

尽管理智怎样责备情感，但情感还是得着了胜利。

那影子不但没有消灭，反而一天比一天更活鲜鲜地在脑海里跳跃起来。

I managed，however，to refrain from revealing to him my troubled state of mind．For over a year when I exchanged correspondence with him I never let him know how much I loved and thought fondly of him．Every day I wrote an entry in my diary as well as some free verse in vernacular Chinese．Sometimes I got dead drunk with the strong liquor I had bought on the sly．Sometimes I even thought of asking some friends of the same sex to go with me to an ancient temple in the remote mountains to become Buddhist nuns．They of course had no idea of what had happened to me．Oh，first love，how unblemished and unforgettable it is！

在那种苦痛的心情之下，我却绝不愿意流露丝毫给对方知道；和他通了一年多的信，从没有把我爱他、思念他的情感流露过。

我天天写日记和白话诗，有时偷偷地买了烧酒来喝个烂醉，有时想约几个同性朋友，住到深山古庙里修行去。

她们都不知道我的秘密，唉！

多么圣洁的值得回忆的初恋呵！

he alarm bell began to ring in a new era．The Northern Expedition started．Courageous young men and women threw away their books，took off their long gowns and joined the revolutionary army．It was then that I succeeded in freeing myself from the deep distress I was in.

时代的警钟响了，一九二六年的北伐爆发了！

勇敢的青年男女们，一个个抛弃了书本，脱下了长衫，参加革命去了！

陷在苦海中的我，也在这时得到了苦闷的解脱。

One day the lovely image suddenly appeared before me．It was none other than the young man．He fixed his passionate eyes on me and said，那个可爱的影子，突然有一天出现在我的面前；这是真正的影子，两只眼睛充满了热情，紧紧地盯着我。

You must have received my letter．I've been looking for an opportunity to have a serious talk with you.

”信收到了吧？

我要找个机会和你深谈一次。

”The tender voice was charged with immeasurable hidden hope and joy.

温柔的声调里，藏着无限的希望与欢愉。

Don't you believe it？

I'm going to join up.

”你相不相信？

我要从军去了！

”A smile，accompanied by sternness，passed over my face．He looked astonished.

我的微笑中夹着严肃，他开始惊讶起来。

No，I don't．You're joking，aren't you？

”我不相信，你说来好玩的吧？

”No．I mean what I said.

”不！

真的！

”Physically，you won't be able to go through the hardships！

”你的身体吃不了那种苦。

”I need to be toughened up by the army life.

”我要锻炼。

”So you've really made up your mind？

”真的这样决心了吗？

”The smile on his face was replaced by deep gloom.

阴沉的忧郁，代替他的微笑了。

I've already signed up！

”已经报名了！

”Why not think it over again before you make the final decision？

Let's talk it over thoroughly.

”考虑一下再决定吧，我希望和你详细谈谈。

”No need to think it over．You should unconditionally agree to let me go！

”无须考虑，你应当无条件地赞成我去的！

”””He hung his head in silence．I knew he was suffering untold mental agonies．But，strange to say，I didn't feel bad at all．On the contrary，I sat before him smiling a proud smile like a prisoner under death sentence being suddenly granted a special pardon.

他低下头来沉默着，我知道有一种说不出的痛苦，压在他的心头；但是奇怪，我一点也不难受，好像一个被判决了死罪的犯人，突然得到特赦一般，我很骄傲地坐在他的对面微笑着。

I go back home tomorrow．Tell me if we can ever meet again.

”明天我要回去了，告诉我，我们还能见面吗？

”His voice，like a melancholy tune，unexpectedly touched me to the heart．And a feeling of sadness suddenly came over me.

不知怎的，这声音像一曲悲哀的调子，弹动了我的心弦，我突然感到凄凉起来。

Let's meet at the front！

I hope you'll join up too.

”到前方见吧！

我也希望你去从军。

”””He gave no reply，his eyes glittering with tears.

他没有回答，眼里闪烁着晶莹的泪光。

So we parted silently without saying a word．I saw him to the school gate and then turned round with warm tears in my eyes.

别了！

就这样默默地什么都没有说，我送他走出了学校的大门，只是含着满眶的热泪转来。

谢冰莹，湖南新化人，我国现代杰出女兵”作家，曾两度从军，经历坎坷，创作成果丰硕，不愧为一代奇女。

她的散文风格以直接晓畅著称，对任何事物，均以直叙的笔调描述，不渲染，不夸张，简洁明了，真切动人。

1926年，北伐大革命期间，她毅然从军。

初恋　一文细腻描述了她初恋时的少女心态以及后来因从军不得不与男友分道扬镳的情景。

【双语|现代散文:谢冰莹 初恋查看网站：[db:时间]】